Oh. My. Gawd. YES to all of this. It explains why I dated literally dozens of people, many of whom were kind and caring, while not wanting to "settle." But for me, settling had nothing to do with money or looks but settling meant being with someone who didn't understand me. I was lucky enough to find an amazing human who both understands me and cares for me, and for that I'm eternally grateful to the universe.
This is a difficult thing to see clearly when looking at an INFJ from the outside. At first you do seem to have impossible standards for a mate. But INFJs don’t care about things most people do - which is tough to see at first. So the INFJ list is not actually any longer than other people’s’ list.
You could have told me this a few years ago and I wouldn't have believed it.
This is the kind of truth that some of us can only arrive at through living a bunch of life (which, for INFJs, means weathering disappointment after disappointment) + being willing to challenge our own sacred assumptions about what we need.
I think it's not so much that INFJs mistake understanding for loving, and more that INFJs know someone can love them, but if the person don't fully understand the INFJ, then they can't really love the INFJ. The INFJ's eternal search is for the person who loves them WHILE understanding them. So the question that gets pointed at partners and spouses is: "Do you understand me, and despite the fact that I'm terrible in so many ways that you're aware of, you STILL love me?"
What happens often to us is that someone likes, maybe even loves us, just fine initially. Then they learn something about us that contrasts with the person's view of us: we're flaky, we lose interest quickly, we're secretly petty, and we can be very cruel. And the person is so appalled they distance themselves from the INFJ. I think that's why INFJs feel that they need to be understood to be fully loved - because if not, we can easily lose that love once the person does understand us.
But you're right in that, what we don't realize most of the time, is that there are more people than we realize who are willing to love us even if they don't understand us and even if they do run into those disquieting INFJ traits.
I do think INFJs tend to feel like they're not fully loved if they're not fully known. I think it's less that they think nobody will love the INFJ if they know the INFJ (although a lot of them do tend to think that), it's more that they sort of...test and gauge to see if people CAN know them and still love them.
I know that I used to think that way (nobody who understands me could love me) but I've found a few people who do understand and love me, and once I did, it felt like a big hole in my heart has been filled ever since. So INFJs don't necessarily NEED to be understood to be loved (although we often think we do) but when we feel BOTH understood and loved, it feels very healing.
Went through a breakup just this morning. Very painful - the person is one of the smartest and most perceptive, and selfish, people I have ever met. He knew me better than I knew myself, but he refused to show up - for three years. I finally realized the difference between being seen, which I craved, and being cared for. I will miss being seen by this person terribly but I won’t miss the constant disappointment of someone failing to show up until it was convenient or urgent for them. I had to make peace with losing being seen all the way as I begin to recognize that being able to depend on someone matters more to me. I am so grateful that I saw this post a few hours after the breakup, it helped me feel a lot more clear about what I just went through.
I read that after a breakup, the faster you can tell yourself a rational story for how things happened, the faster you can recover. So here's hoping the framework in the post helps with that story.
Damn Penelope. My marriage thanks you for this one. I have synesthesia too but with numbers. They have their own colors, genders (2 and 8 are the only females) and personalities. Also depending on if I’m adding/subtracting/multiplying, I visualize the numbers in different places from my childhood. It only occurred to me a few years ago that this was…not a universal thing.
Have you googled the images people post of their own number/color combinations? The pictures are beautiful. And together they look consistent - like there's a pattern between all the people whose brains work like this.
THIS KNOCKED ME OUT. must go process in the corner
Oh. My. Gawd. YES to all of this. It explains why I dated literally dozens of people, many of whom were kind and caring, while not wanting to "settle." But for me, settling had nothing to do with money or looks but settling meant being with someone who didn't understand me. I was lucky enough to find an amazing human who both understands me and cares for me, and for that I'm eternally grateful to the universe.
This is a difficult thing to see clearly when looking at an INFJ from the outside. At first you do seem to have impossible standards for a mate. But INFJs don’t care about things most people do - which is tough to see at first. So the INFJ list is not actually any longer than other people’s’ list.
Yes. Absolutely yes.
You could have told me this a few years ago and I wouldn't have believed it.
This is the kind of truth that some of us can only arrive at through living a bunch of life (which, for INFJs, means weathering disappointment after disappointment) + being willing to challenge our own sacred assumptions about what we need.
It's freeing.
I think it's not so much that INFJs mistake understanding for loving, and more that INFJs know someone can love them, but if the person don't fully understand the INFJ, then they can't really love the INFJ. The INFJ's eternal search is for the person who loves them WHILE understanding them. So the question that gets pointed at partners and spouses is: "Do you understand me, and despite the fact that I'm terrible in so many ways that you're aware of, you STILL love me?"
What happens often to us is that someone likes, maybe even loves us, just fine initially. Then they learn something about us that contrasts with the person's view of us: we're flaky, we lose interest quickly, we're secretly petty, and we can be very cruel. And the person is so appalled they distance themselves from the INFJ. I think that's why INFJs feel that they need to be understood to be fully loved - because if not, we can easily lose that love once the person does understand us.
But you're right in that, what we don't realize most of the time, is that there are more people than we realize who are willing to love us even if they don't understand us and even if they do run into those disquieting INFJ traits.
So are you saying an INFJ can't feel loved if you're not known and no one will love you if they know you? So it's a death spiral?
I do think INFJs tend to feel like they're not fully loved if they're not fully known. I think it's less that they think nobody will love the INFJ if they know the INFJ (although a lot of them do tend to think that), it's more that they sort of...test and gauge to see if people CAN know them and still love them.
I know that I used to think that way (nobody who understands me could love me) but I've found a few people who do understand and love me, and once I did, it felt like a big hole in my heart has been filled ever since. So INFJs don't necessarily NEED to be understood to be loved (although we often think we do) but when we feel BOTH understood and loved, it feels very healing.
I feel this is pretty accurate.
Not sure if small sample size, but the INFJs I know can take a while to open up.
Went through a breakup just this morning. Very painful - the person is one of the smartest and most perceptive, and selfish, people I have ever met. He knew me better than I knew myself, but he refused to show up - for three years. I finally realized the difference between being seen, which I craved, and being cared for. I will miss being seen by this person terribly but I won’t miss the constant disappointment of someone failing to show up until it was convenient or urgent for them. I had to make peace with losing being seen all the way as I begin to recognize that being able to depend on someone matters more to me. I am so grateful that I saw this post a few hours after the breakup, it helped me feel a lot more clear about what I just went through.
I read that after a breakup, the faster you can tell yourself a rational story for how things happened, the faster you can recover. So here's hoping the framework in the post helps with that story.
Damn Penelope. My marriage thanks you for this one. I have synesthesia too but with numbers. They have their own colors, genders (2 and 8 are the only females) and personalities. Also depending on if I’m adding/subtracting/multiplying, I visualize the numbers in different places from my childhood. It only occurred to me a few years ago that this was…not a universal thing.
Have you googled the images people post of their own number/color combinations? The pictures are beautiful. And together they look consistent - like there's a pattern between all the people whose brains work like this.
Oh wow I had no idea! This is a new rabbit hole for sure :)
Numbers - and letters - have always had genders for me, but not colors. Like you I was also shocked to discover that not everyone thought that way!